Dear Disney, Why Do You Hate Women?

Dear Disney,

Why do you hate women?

This question stems from the rather intense discussion I had with two guys and a girl while driving to a crawfish boil out in the middle of nowhere the other day. As a group rendition of A Whole New World came to an end, there came a statement from one of the guys: Which Disney princess is the hottest? To which he quickly announced Jasmine and that Aladdin is the best Disney movie ever. While he was incorrect in his assertion, as obviously Hercules is the greatest Disney movie ever, this sparked a lively debate to which Pocahontas, Ariel, Megara, Belle, Bambi’s mom, Aurora, and the Muses were all mentioned as being the hottest. Argument ensued over the viable contenders, with the exception of Bambi’s mom, which got the nominator a tater tot thrown at him.

While each of the nominations received at least a head nod, or in one case, disgusted faces, we decided to narrow them down by more than their looks. Belle is smart and reads all the time, Megara ends up with a god, and Jasmine has a tiger. It was a close contest. But we started realizing a trend when it came to their parents. What started as a competition of looks suddenly led to an epiphany about Disney princesses: Disney never gives their princesses both a mother and a father.

Think about it. Belle? Raised by her single father, Maurice. Jasmine? Raised by her single father, The Sultan. Ariel? Raised by her single father, King Triton. Pocahontas? Raised by her single father, Chief Powhatan. Bambi? Mom shot dead in the meadow, (Real nice, Disney.) raised by his single father. Apparently, Disney’s got a problem with children being raised by both a mother and a father. Is this simply a copout for overcoming adversity for princesses (and other characters) rather than having to face other problems like cancer, poverty, or dare I even say it, unattractiveness? The Aristocats only have a mother, Nemo only has a father, Aurora (Sleeping Beauty) has both parents, but is taken away by her three fairy aunts to be raised in the woods. What’s up with this, Disney?

What do these movies gain from providing their female characters with only one parent? Personally, I think you do it in order to give them “daddy issues,” thus justifying their brash actions when it comes to falling in love with men they don’t know—cough cough, Ariel. That chick hardly even knew what Eric looked like and suddenly she’s giving up her poor unfortunate soul for him? Sure, Disney. I mean, okay. Here Jasmine is, rich, intelligent, beautiful, has a badass tiger for a pet, and all she can think about is running away to see the world. What does she get instead? A man. And then quickly brought back to the palace from which she ran away. Do we put that in the “win” pile, Disney? Honestly.

But, you say, those princesses with single parents turned out pretty well, right? After all, they got married to hot princes and lived happily ever after. They didn’t have to go to college or get a job or have any dreams to fall short of, and they didn’t even have to be in the dating world very long, I mean, they married the first guy they met. Who wouldn’t want that! But, Disney, rather than empowering women through their achievements, you teach them to aim for one goal: marriage to a hot prince. When they never get that, unless they’re Grace Kelly, they will be so disappointed. Most people don’t find Prince Charming on the first try, and somehow they have to make it in the world until they do find the right man (or woman). Stop teaching our daughters that there is nothing higher to aim for than marriage. I gotta be honest with you, Disney, I just kinda hate you for that.

Let’s take your first movie, Snow White, which has the princess being raised without parents by a single (albeit, evil) aunt. She doesn’t exactly grow up to be a winner. What happens to her? She runs away from home, ends up living with seven working class men, does laundry, cooks, and cleans, thinks she can talk to animals, gets drugged by a stalker and almost dies, and then a strange man makes out with her while she’s passed out until she wakes up. Sounds a little like a frat party to me. Is this what you want for our kids? Is it?

From your history (at the bottom), I’m a little worried you might…

Disney, you need to take a good, hard look in the mirror. Consider the impact your movies have on children, as that is their primary target, and perhaps start making some movies where the women have goals beyond finding a man. This isn’t the 1800s, women go to college and have careers, and have to struggle against a society built on misogynistic beliefs reflected in your movies. Just once, I’d like to see a movie where the princess has a healthy weight, two parents, and tells the prince that she won’t marry him because he’s an idiot and she’s decided to go to college instead. Just once.

• Hercules: has a mother and father, but must be raised on earth away from them.
• Cinderella: raised by her evil, single stepmother after her father dies.
• Snow White: raised by her evil, single aunt, the queen.
• Beauty and the Beast: Belle is raised by her single father, Maurice.
• Aladdin: Jasmine is raised by her single father, The Sultan, while Aladdin has no parents at all.
• The Little Mermaid: Ariel is raised by her single father, King Triton.
• Pocahontas: Pocahontas is raised by her single father, Chief Powhatan.
• Bambi: Bambi’s mom is shot while he’s still a fawn. He must first find, and then be raised by his single father.
• Dumbo: Dumbo is raised by his single mother in the circus.
• Alice in Wonderland: There is no mention of parents, but what appears to be a school teacher is there…
• The Lion King: Simba’s father, Mufasa, dies horrifically, scarring children forever.
• A Goofy Movie: Max is raised solely by his single father, Goofy.
• Tarzan: Tarzan’s parents are both killed and he is raised by his adoptive mother, Kala, while her spousal gorilla, Kerchak, refuses even to aknowledge Tarzan as his son. Then there’s Jane who is raised by her single father, Professor Porter.
• Princess and the Frog: Tiana’s father dies while she is young, leaving her single mother to raise her.
• Finding Nemo: Nemo is raised by his single father, Marlin, when his mother, Coral, is killed before he hatches—creating the most depressing opening to a film for children, until UP!.
• Aristocats: The three kittens, Marie, Berlioz, and Toulouse, are raised by their single mother, Duchess.
• And while Pirates of the Caribbean is not an animated film, Elizabeth Swan is also raised by her single father, Captain Swan.

 

 

Dear 25, This is Why I Hate You

Dear 25,

This is why I hate you.

Twenty-five years. That’s a whole quarter of a century. One fourth of one hundred years. It’s the age the characters in Friends were when the series started in 1994; it’s two years older than my parents were when they got married; and it’s the oldest age ever used to describe a divorcee’s hot young second wife. I turned 25 this year. I don’t live in New York with five of my best friends; I’m not married nor am I seeing anyone; and not that I would, but dammit, now I’ll probably never get to be the sexy young wife of a rich old dirt bag.

25, look at you. You are mid-to-late twenties. You are the numerical age at which a person instantly can’t go out every night without seeming like a drunk. You say I should be working a 9 to 5 job and investing in a 401k, I should definitely be on dating sites, as they say, you ain’t getting any younger and next stop is 30, and friends my age are having weddings and kids and buying homes and having playdates and hosting barbecues for their neighbors. What? No. I don’t want that. But 25 says if I’m not there, I’m not doing anything with my life. 25, you fucking blow.

Why have you earned such a bad rap, 25? You seem innocent enough, hell at least you’re not 30. But it seems that society sees you as this ledge over which everyone gets shoved after college when you’re expected to start having kids and create Facebook statuses about cooking, the best schools, and saving for a home loan. Ugh what is this?! I’m 25 and still a kid all the way through. I don’t want to grow up and be responsible, that’s for old people, you know, thirty-somethings. Life is about having fun and experiencing everything there is out there to be experienced, whether it’s fun, beautiful, stupid, or boring. If you give in to 25, you’re succumbing to the mind-numbing routine of wake, work, home; wedding, kids, suburbs; kill, me, now.

Wake up 25-year-olds. Newsflash, you probably don’t even really know what you want in life at this age. There’s a reason men go through their mid-life crises, buy sports cars when they start losing their hair, and divorce and remarry and divorce and play the single life at 50, while women fill their faces with poison, redecorate the house, and do the tennis instructor. These guys turned 25 and said, well guess I better settle down. I mean, I’m not really ready to and don’t really want to, but hell, I’m supposed to be responsible and make my parents proud, right? Ew. This isn’t the 19^th century where everyone dies at 30 so girls and boys pair up at 18 and start popping out children to run the family farm. We’re living longer and healthier than ever. Women are freezing their eggs, people aren’t retiring until their seventies, and the elderly have the online dating site, Our Time! 25 is young, y’all!

Okay, 25, you do have some redeemable qualities. You’re not the absolute worst. At least you’re an age at which you can feel independent and live alone, but still piggyback off your parents’ phone plan. You can knowledgeably argue about politics and social issues with other adults and feel totally justified if they don’t see your point because you’re still young enough to think you’re always right. If you and your 25 year-old friends get drunk and pass out on the sidewalk while walking home from the bars, you probably won’t be mistaken for a pack of drunk homeless people. Probably. These are some serious merits. I’m not saying they make up for everything, but they’re helping your case, 25.

The funny thing about 25 is that’s it’s one of those ages we never think we’ll get to. Not that we think we’re going to die before we reach it, but it’s just too old and too far away, even at 21, to think about being. The next one for me is 29, then 33, 35, and everything after that until 81. I don’t know what it is about 81, but I’m pretty sure I’ll be that age at some point…maybe in like 56 years or so. But 25. 25, you’re just a little awkward. You think you’re older than you are, but you also want to be younger than you are, and you definitely don’t want to be where you are, so you just kinda sit there twiddling your thumbs while waiting for 26 to come along and cement reality. I guess I don’t totally hate you, 25. You’ve actually been pretty good to me so far. But look, can you do me a huge favor? I promise I’ll think you’re the best thing ever if you do me this solid. Could you just have a little chat with 30 and tell that bitch to beat it the fuck out of here? Thanks, 25, you’re the best. I’ll love you forever.