Dear GQ

“Congrats, men: 2013 is the year bras went out of style.”

 

Dear GQ,

Um…Lol?

” Invasion of the Street Nipples.” Yes, that is in fact the title—or should I say tit-le—of an article in this month’s issue of GQ.

This article, part of the Manual for men, informs men that the new “it” trend among women is going braless—and not just going Commando up top, but letting the ladies do a little point and dance under our shirts. In fact, the author, who isn’t listed, prides women for making the sophisticated choice not to wear a bra. “If those bouncing breasts are saying anything, they’re saying that they’re more enlightened, more artsy, and perhaps a click more sophisticated than the breasts on the woman next to them that are neatly, practically, possibly even repressedly […] tucked into a padded B cup.”

GQ, I’m not so sure about these assertions. One, I haven’t seen any woman making the conscious decision not to wear a bra. Two, especially none encouraging their nips to poke through their shirt (which is, by the way, one of THE most embarrassing things a woman can have happen to her). And three, that a woman is suddenly labeled a prude, oppressive of her breasts, non-artsy, and a less sophisticated woman for not putting it all on display bounce-house style. Who the hell are you to tell us who we are for what we do or don’t wear? Hello, your magazine touts the bungee belt and zipper wallets as key fashion pieces for men this summer…need I say more?

I’m sorry, GQ, but as a long-time subscriber to Vogue, InStyle, Women’s Health, and Cosmopolitan, as well as an avid follower of countless fashion blogs, how is it that a woman such as myself has been able to avoid all awareness of this new hip fashion movement? Could it be in fact that you, GQ, are simply writing this article in the hopes of wish fulfillment? My guess is yes. Nipping is ALWAYS a faux-pas, and women are never going to follow a fashion trend that will have men staring even harder and droolier at their chests than they already do.

Here’s the thing. Women just don’t run around town totally braless. Ever. Here’s a secret, GQ. Any time you think a woman might be braless, and consider the fact that to determine this means that you men must be staring so hard and long enough for your thoughts to progress past “ooh boobies” to “hey is she not wearing a bra?,” those things aren’t just floating around freely under there. We have tape, pasties, strapless bras, racer-back bras, built-in bras, shirt-bras, and a thousand other tricks to fool you. Sure we let the girls out to play every now and again, but we’re never going to do it unsupported and we’re never going to do it in daylight—those women are called hookers.

Look, I love you GQ, and you’re usually a pretty good time, but in this instance your adolescent minded writers got a little carried away from reality. So just to be clear, we ladies won’t be letting our ladies poke through our shirts this summer. Throw the dream away, wish it goodbye, and put away that thing that’s poking through your clothes.

 

 

 

Dear Disney, Why Do You Hate Women?

Dear Disney,

Why do you hate women?

This question stems from the rather intense discussion I had with two guys and a girl while driving to a crawfish boil out in the middle of nowhere the other day. As a group rendition of A Whole New World came to an end, there came a statement from one of the guys: Which Disney princess is the hottest? To which he quickly announced Jasmine and that Aladdin is the best Disney movie ever. While he was incorrect in his assertion, as obviously Hercules is the greatest Disney movie ever, this sparked a lively debate to which Pocahontas, Ariel, Megara, Belle, Bambi’s mom, Aurora, and the Muses were all mentioned as being the hottest. Argument ensued over the viable contenders, with the exception of Bambi’s mom, which got the nominator a tater tot thrown at him.

While each of the nominations received at least a head nod, or in one case, disgusted faces, we decided to narrow them down by more than their looks. Belle is smart and reads all the time, Megara ends up with a god, and Jasmine has a tiger. It was a close contest. But we started realizing a trend when it came to their parents. What started as a competition of looks suddenly led to an epiphany about Disney princesses: Disney never gives their princesses both a mother and a father.

Think about it. Belle? Raised by her single father, Maurice. Jasmine? Raised by her single father, The Sultan. Ariel? Raised by her single father, King Triton. Pocahontas? Raised by her single father, Chief Powhatan. Bambi? Mom shot dead in the meadow, (Real nice, Disney.) raised by his single father. Apparently, Disney’s got a problem with children being raised by both a mother and a father. Is this simply a copout for overcoming adversity for princesses (and other characters) rather than having to face other problems like cancer, poverty, or dare I even say it, unattractiveness? The Aristocats only have a mother, Nemo only has a father, Aurora (Sleeping Beauty) has both parents, but is taken away by her three fairy aunts to be raised in the woods. What’s up with this, Disney?

What do these movies gain from providing their female characters with only one parent? Personally, I think you do it in order to give them “daddy issues,” thus justifying their brash actions when it comes to falling in love with men they don’t know—cough cough, Ariel. That chick hardly even knew what Eric looked like and suddenly she’s giving up her poor unfortunate soul for him? Sure, Disney. I mean, okay. Here Jasmine is, rich, intelligent, beautiful, has a badass tiger for a pet, and all she can think about is running away to see the world. What does she get instead? A man. And then quickly brought back to the palace from which she ran away. Do we put that in the “win” pile, Disney? Honestly.

But, you say, those princesses with single parents turned out pretty well, right? After all, they got married to hot princes and lived happily ever after. They didn’t have to go to college or get a job or have any dreams to fall short of, and they didn’t even have to be in the dating world very long, I mean, they married the first guy they met. Who wouldn’t want that! But, Disney, rather than empowering women through their achievements, you teach them to aim for one goal: marriage to a hot prince. When they never get that, unless they’re Grace Kelly, they will be so disappointed. Most people don’t find Prince Charming on the first try, and somehow they have to make it in the world until they do find the right man (or woman). Stop teaching our daughters that there is nothing higher to aim for than marriage. I gotta be honest with you, Disney, I just kinda hate you for that.

Let’s take your first movie, Snow White, which has the princess being raised without parents by a single (albeit, evil) aunt. She doesn’t exactly grow up to be a winner. What happens to her? She runs away from home, ends up living with seven working class men, does laundry, cooks, and cleans, thinks she can talk to animals, gets drugged by a stalker and almost dies, and then a strange man makes out with her while she’s passed out until she wakes up. Sounds a little like a frat party to me. Is this what you want for our kids? Is it?

From your history (at the bottom), I’m a little worried you might…

Disney, you need to take a good, hard look in the mirror. Consider the impact your movies have on children, as that is their primary target, and perhaps start making some movies where the women have goals beyond finding a man. This isn’t the 1800s, women go to college and have careers, and have to struggle against a society built on misogynistic beliefs reflected in your movies. Just once, I’d like to see a movie where the princess has a healthy weight, two parents, and tells the prince that she won’t marry him because he’s an idiot and she’s decided to go to college instead. Just once.

• Hercules: has a mother and father, but must be raised on earth away from them.
• Cinderella: raised by her evil, single stepmother after her father dies.
• Snow White: raised by her evil, single aunt, the queen.
• Beauty and the Beast: Belle is raised by her single father, Maurice.
• Aladdin: Jasmine is raised by her single father, The Sultan, while Aladdin has no parents at all.
• The Little Mermaid: Ariel is raised by her single father, King Triton.
• Pocahontas: Pocahontas is raised by her single father, Chief Powhatan.
• Bambi: Bambi’s mom is shot while he’s still a fawn. He must first find, and then be raised by his single father.
• Dumbo: Dumbo is raised by his single mother in the circus.
• Alice in Wonderland: There is no mention of parents, but what appears to be a school teacher is there…
• The Lion King: Simba’s father, Mufasa, dies horrifically, scarring children forever.
• A Goofy Movie: Max is raised solely by his single father, Goofy.
• Tarzan: Tarzan’s parents are both killed and he is raised by his adoptive mother, Kala, while her spousal gorilla, Kerchak, refuses even to aknowledge Tarzan as his son. Then there’s Jane who is raised by her single father, Professor Porter.
• Princess and the Frog: Tiana’s father dies while she is young, leaving her single mother to raise her.
• Finding Nemo: Nemo is raised by his single father, Marlin, when his mother, Coral, is killed before he hatches—creating the most depressing opening to a film for children, until UP!.
• Aristocats: The three kittens, Marie, Berlioz, and Toulouse, are raised by their single mother, Duchess.
• And while Pirates of the Caribbean is not an animated film, Elizabeth Swan is also raised by her single father, Captain Swan.