Dear GQ

“Congrats, men: 2013 is the year bras went out of style.”

 

Dear GQ,

Um…Lol?

” Invasion of the Street Nipples.” Yes, that is in fact the title—or should I say tit-le—of an article in this month’s issue of GQ.

This article, part of the Manual for men, informs men that the new “it” trend among women is going braless—and not just going Commando up top, but letting the ladies do a little point and dance under our shirts. In fact, the author, who isn’t listed, prides women for making the sophisticated choice not to wear a bra. “If those bouncing breasts are saying anything, they’re saying that they’re more enlightened, more artsy, and perhaps a click more sophisticated than the breasts on the woman next to them that are neatly, practically, possibly even repressedly […] tucked into a padded B cup.”

GQ, I’m not so sure about these assertions. One, I haven’t seen any woman making the conscious decision not to wear a bra. Two, especially none encouraging their nips to poke through their shirt (which is, by the way, one of THE most embarrassing things a woman can have happen to her). And three, that a woman is suddenly labeled a prude, oppressive of her breasts, non-artsy, and a less sophisticated woman for not putting it all on display bounce-house style. Who the hell are you to tell us who we are for what we do or don’t wear? Hello, your magazine touts the bungee belt and zipper wallets as key fashion pieces for men this summer…need I say more?

I’m sorry, GQ, but as a long-time subscriber to Vogue, InStyle, Women’s Health, and Cosmopolitan, as well as an avid follower of countless fashion blogs, how is it that a woman such as myself has been able to avoid all awareness of this new hip fashion movement? Could it be in fact that you, GQ, are simply writing this article in the hopes of wish fulfillment? My guess is yes. Nipping is ALWAYS a faux-pas, and women are never going to follow a fashion trend that will have men staring even harder and droolier at their chests than they already do.

Here’s the thing. Women just don’t run around town totally braless. Ever. Here’s a secret, GQ. Any time you think a woman might be braless, and consider the fact that to determine this means that you men must be staring so hard and long enough for your thoughts to progress past “ooh boobies” to “hey is she not wearing a bra?,” those things aren’t just floating around freely under there. We have tape, pasties, strapless bras, racer-back bras, built-in bras, shirt-bras, and a thousand other tricks to fool you. Sure we let the girls out to play every now and again, but we’re never going to do it unsupported and we’re never going to do it in daylight—those women are called hookers.

Look, I love you GQ, and you’re usually a pretty good time, but in this instance your adolescent minded writers got a little carried away from reality. So just to be clear, we ladies won’t be letting our ladies poke through our shirts this summer. Throw the dream away, wish it goodbye, and put away that thing that’s poking through your clothes.