Dear GQ

“Congrats, men: 2013 is the year bras went out of style.”

 

Dear GQ,

Um…Lol?

” Invasion of the Street Nipples.” Yes, that is in fact the title—or should I say tit-le—of an article in this month’s issue of GQ.

This article, part of the Manual for men, informs men that the new “it” trend among women is going braless—and not just going Commando up top, but letting the ladies do a little point and dance under our shirts. In fact, the author, who isn’t listed, prides women for making the sophisticated choice not to wear a bra. “If those bouncing breasts are saying anything, they’re saying that they’re more enlightened, more artsy, and perhaps a click more sophisticated than the breasts on the woman next to them that are neatly, practically, possibly even repressedly […] tucked into a padded B cup.”

GQ, I’m not so sure about these assertions. One, I haven’t seen any woman making the conscious decision not to wear a bra. Two, especially none encouraging their nips to poke through their shirt (which is, by the way, one of THE most embarrassing things a woman can have happen to her). And three, that a woman is suddenly labeled a prude, oppressive of her breasts, non-artsy, and a less sophisticated woman for not putting it all on display bounce-house style. Who the hell are you to tell us who we are for what we do or don’t wear? Hello, your magazine touts the bungee belt and zipper wallets as key fashion pieces for men this summer…need I say more?

I’m sorry, GQ, but as a long-time subscriber to Vogue, InStyle, Women’s Health, and Cosmopolitan, as well as an avid follower of countless fashion blogs, how is it that a woman such as myself has been able to avoid all awareness of this new hip fashion movement? Could it be in fact that you, GQ, are simply writing this article in the hopes of wish fulfillment? My guess is yes. Nipping is ALWAYS a faux-pas, and women are never going to follow a fashion trend that will have men staring even harder and droolier at their chests than they already do.

Here’s the thing. Women just don’t run around town totally braless. Ever. Here’s a secret, GQ. Any time you think a woman might be braless, and consider the fact that to determine this means that you men must be staring so hard and long enough for your thoughts to progress past “ooh boobies” to “hey is she not wearing a bra?,” those things aren’t just floating around freely under there. We have tape, pasties, strapless bras, racer-back bras, built-in bras, shirt-bras, and a thousand other tricks to fool you. Sure we let the girls out to play every now and again, but we’re never going to do it unsupported and we’re never going to do it in daylight—those women are called hookers.

Look, I love you GQ, and you’re usually a pretty good time, but in this instance your adolescent minded writers got a little carried away from reality. So just to be clear, we ladies won’t be letting our ladies poke through our shirts this summer. Throw the dream away, wish it goodbye, and put away that thing that’s poking through your clothes.

 

 

 

Dear Austin Allergies

Dear Austin,

I hate your allergens this year.

 

Am I crazy or are everyone’s allergies like a million times worse than usual this spring?

I rarely get allergies outside of about a one-week period in early fall when all of the mountain cedar blows down with the cold temperatures, but this spring I am dying. Literally, I feel like I’m not going to live to see the end of this semester, and this year it’s not because of final exams or the wrap-ups of semester-long projects. So, what is this devil magic that is keeping us all sneezing, coughing, and exuding disgusting radiance all over the place?

Like this:

 

Hawt.

 

According to AccuWeather.com, we’re experiencing EXTREME! levels of indoor dust and dander…

 

Surely this can’t really be what’s causing all of our turmoil… can it? What, are Austinites overdoing it on the Spring Cleaning front and stirring up dust and dander and throwing it into the air, or are we just way dirtier at home than most people and we carry it out into public? Or could it be that we as a city collectively spend a proportionately larger amount of time outdoors running, hiking, biking, climbing, and playing on the lake than the lazier cities of the US where people only venture from within the confines of their air-conditioned chambers in order to reach their cars? I’m sorry, I for one just don’t believe that the root of all of our suffering is coming from inside the house. I call bull shit, AccuWeather.

Conspiracy? Possibly. Is this perhaps Kim Jong Un’s true force of terror? Hah, no. Well, probably not. It would be pretty ingenious, wouldn’t it? Allergen Warfare. Gives flower power a whole new meaning, eh?

What I keep overhearing, and have experienced first-hand, is that doctors are saying allergies this year are worse than ever before. While at Starbucks this afternoon for my second dose of caffeine to take the edge off my pounding sinus headache, I overheard an older gentleman chatting about his allergies with the barista. This guy had to be in his 70s and he said exactly what everyone else is saying: in all his life, he’s never had allergies this bad. This spring his doctor had to go so far as to prescribe him an inhaler because his allergies are developing into asthma-like symptoms. So what this means is allergen levels are higher and are causing more extreme symptoms than they have in at least seventy years! That’s insane. Ugh, what a great time to be in Aus-auss-schooo. ‘Scuze me. Austin.

So, here I sit, indoors, suffering with a stopped-up head, feeling like my brain is trying to expand like a sponge in a jar full of water, unable to enjoy the best part of Austin—the outdoors—while receiving mixed messages . If AccuWeather is correct, I should be out there instead of in here… If my doctor is correct, I should stay in here and not out there… Ugh. Good luck with your allergies, Austinites. Here, I’ll save you a trip to the doctor and prescribe you what mine did me: drink lots of fluids, take an anti-inflammatory, and stay inside. I’m going to think more on that conspiracy theory now…

PS: carry tissues and cover your face when you sneeze. Unless you want to look like this:

Double hawt.

 

 

 

 

My New World of Old Technology

Dear my new world of old technology,

This is why you make my life so difficult.

 

Damn, people get pissed when you don’t respond to their emails immediately these days. But, you say, everyone these days has an iPhone or an Android so they can check their emails like they check their text messages: instantly. Well, I’m living in the year 2006, before the release of the first iPhone, before touch screens were put into cellphone technology, and when the term “smart phone” referred exclusively to a Blackberry. Folks, I’m currently using T9 texting technology; there are no such things as Apps on this phone; taking a picture with its “camera” may as well be capturing in bit-mode as that’s the pixilation quality.

Why am I suffering through this, you ask? I had my phone stolen about a week ago and I had this old one as a backup in case something like that ever occurred… now I hate my life.

Honestly, I feel like such a pussy for missing my Android. I went 23 years without owning a smart phone, all four years of high school, all four years of college, and now I can’t go two weeks without one. My group members are pissed I can’t read emails while I’m driving to our meetings, my parents wonder why I’m suddenly out of the loop on world news, and my daily existence is music-less without my Spotify app!  I’m drowning over here in a sea of antiquated technology and I can’t even place a call for help! I lost all my contacts and T-Mobile stores them retrievable only via a 4G connection. My phone lacks that and everything else. That’s some excellent planning right there.

So along with my phone, I had my debit card and driver’s license stolen. I had to go to a DPS location to replace my license, and what I thought would be a quick trip turned into a major excursion and total headache thanks to my dumb phone.

I had forgotten (forcibly and gladly) the days when we had to lookup directions before leaving the house, so I started my journey thinking I knew where I was going. Well, I got to the location and there hung a sign out front that read: location closed, please see newest location in Pflugerville. Um, what? Of course a QR code on the banner wasn’t helpful to ME, but it was nice of them to provide assistance to those living in the current decade. What could I do? We don’t carry around city maps anymore, I couldn’t ask anyone where to go…I drove all the way back the fuck home, looked up the directions to the next closest location (30 minutes away) and pouted the whole time. Had I had a smart phone, I could have just looked up the location while sitting in the parking lot and saved myself about an hours’ worth of gas and drive time.

As you can see, smart phones are vital. They are not simply nice little gadgets we carry around for when we’re bored. People (and by that I mean our parents) may say we’re being spoiled, that we’re a generation growing up with an unhealthy reliance on technology, and that we have missed out on what it is to be part of the real world, but I disagree. Look, we’re a generation that takes what we are given and make the most out of it. We may spend an inordinate amount of time on our handheld devices and on the interwebs, but guess what? We were also born in to a fucking recession where we are forced to take unpaid internships and minimum-wage jobs while paying off student loans we racked up while earning our college degrees. So fuck off older generations. You guys had the 80s, the tech boom of the 90s, the dot-com boom of the late 90s, and YOU caused the recession we’re in now. So, yeah, we youngins like our $500 smart phones. It’s the one thing that can’t be taken away from us…oh …wait. Fuck.

Dove Real Beauty Sketches FOR MEN (parody)

The older I’ve gotten, the more stunning I’ve gotten.

FINALLY someone made a parody for the Dove Real Beauty Sketches. And it was done well!

There has been a lot of criticism of the Dove campaign as it is portrayed in the video as a social experiment, but it has far too many flaws. The portrait artists knew what he was involved in, thus made the sketches of the other women’s descriptions smiling and their own descriptive sketches less attractive…human intervention, here.

So, what would guys have experienced had they been involved in this social experiment? New Feelings Time Comedy shows us:

So good.

Sketch Artist: Tell me about your teeth.

Subject: My mom said I had the most beautiful teeth, so I love to smile

 

Sketch Artist: What would you say is your most prominent feature?

Subject: Probably my bulge.

 

The best part of the video is definitely the sketches at the end showing the side by side comparison of what the men thought of themselves and what women thought of them. Night and day. My favorite is the Brad Pitt pic.

I would say I have a balanced face, almost like a white Denzel Washington.

 

Super Cool Photorealism in 3D Paintings

So, this

is pretty cool. In the past, three-dimensional art was called sculpture, but this is changing. Riusuke Fukahori paints in layers of resin to create amazing three-dimensional paintings of fish. The ones in the bowls are my favorites; I imagine one being placed on the table at a sushi restaurant.

 

So freaking cool

Since viewing this article a few days ago, I’ve been trying to think of other interesting ways Fukahori or other artists could execute this style. While, this is very closely related to his current style, if he were to create the resin layers from a horizontal perspective, he could make an entire fish tank viewable from a single side. Much more humane than keeping exotic fish.

this too

This is by far one of the coolest things I’ve seen in quite some time. I’m excited to see where else he and other artists take this style in the future. Can’t wait.

Dear Humanity, Good Job.

Dear Humanity,

You’ve proven yourself this week, good job.

This has been an incredibly tragic week for America, and it’s only Wednesday. First, some asshole chose to ruin the lives of many at the Boston Marathon through an atrocious act of violence on Monday. Today, an explosion in West, Texas has left many families incomplete, without homes, and without power. Already five firefighters and one police officer have sacrificed their lives while aiding victims of this explosion.

These are horrible events that have left a large number of people devastated. But what can we take away from all of this?

People have come through this week. Humanity has really proven it is alive and well and is asking for absolutely nothing in return. When the explosions occurred at the finish line at the Boston Marathon, people immediately responded by running TOWARDS the smoke! Fear did not stop them; they instantly ran to help in disregard of their own safety. They could have stood by and watched from afar, but instead they ran to the aid of fellow human beings for absolutely no other reason than that it was the right thing to do. In the wake of the explosion at the West Texas fertilizer plant, emergency crews from all over the region rushed to the aid of those caught in the explosion’s destruction.

There’s also this: someone created a Google doc for Texans in the area to post their contact information offering a place to stay for anyone in need. Way to go, humanity. Way to go.

Dear Disney, Why Do You Hate Women?

Dear Disney,

Why do you hate women?

This question stems from the rather intense discussion I had with two guys and a girl while driving to a crawfish boil out in the middle of nowhere the other day. As a group rendition of A Whole New World came to an end, there came a statement from one of the guys: Which Disney princess is the hottest? To which he quickly announced Jasmine and that Aladdin is the best Disney movie ever. While he was incorrect in his assertion, as obviously Hercules is the greatest Disney movie ever, this sparked a lively debate to which Pocahontas, Ariel, Megara, Belle, Bambi’s mom, Aurora, and the Muses were all mentioned as being the hottest. Argument ensued over the viable contenders, with the exception of Bambi’s mom, which got the nominator a tater tot thrown at him.

While each of the nominations received at least a head nod, or in one case, disgusted faces, we decided to narrow them down by more than their looks. Belle is smart and reads all the time, Megara ends up with a god, and Jasmine has a tiger. It was a close contest. But we started realizing a trend when it came to their parents. What started as a competition of looks suddenly led to an epiphany about Disney princesses: Disney never gives their princesses both a mother and a father.

Think about it. Belle? Raised by her single father, Maurice. Jasmine? Raised by her single father, The Sultan. Ariel? Raised by her single father, King Triton. Pocahontas? Raised by her single father, Chief Powhatan. Bambi? Mom shot dead in the meadow, (Real nice, Disney.) raised by his single father. Apparently, Disney’s got a problem with children being raised by both a mother and a father. Is this simply a copout for overcoming adversity for princesses (and other characters) rather than having to face other problems like cancer, poverty, or dare I even say it, unattractiveness? The Aristocats only have a mother, Nemo only has a father, Aurora (Sleeping Beauty) has both parents, but is taken away by her three fairy aunts to be raised in the woods. What’s up with this, Disney?

What do these movies gain from providing their female characters with only one parent? Personally, I think you do it in order to give them “daddy issues,” thus justifying their brash actions when it comes to falling in love with men they don’t know—cough cough, Ariel. That chick hardly even knew what Eric looked like and suddenly she’s giving up her poor unfortunate soul for him? Sure, Disney. I mean, okay. Here Jasmine is, rich, intelligent, beautiful, has a badass tiger for a pet, and all she can think about is running away to see the world. What does she get instead? A man. And then quickly brought back to the palace from which she ran away. Do we put that in the “win” pile, Disney? Honestly.

But, you say, those princesses with single parents turned out pretty well, right? After all, they got married to hot princes and lived happily ever after. They didn’t have to go to college or get a job or have any dreams to fall short of, and they didn’t even have to be in the dating world very long, I mean, they married the first guy they met. Who wouldn’t want that! But, Disney, rather than empowering women through their achievements, you teach them to aim for one goal: marriage to a hot prince. When they never get that, unless they’re Grace Kelly, they will be so disappointed. Most people don’t find Prince Charming on the first try, and somehow they have to make it in the world until they do find the right man (or woman). Stop teaching our daughters that there is nothing higher to aim for than marriage. I gotta be honest with you, Disney, I just kinda hate you for that.

Let’s take your first movie, Snow White, which has the princess being raised without parents by a single (albeit, evil) aunt. She doesn’t exactly grow up to be a winner. What happens to her? She runs away from home, ends up living with seven working class men, does laundry, cooks, and cleans, thinks she can talk to animals, gets drugged by a stalker and almost dies, and then a strange man makes out with her while she’s passed out until she wakes up. Sounds a little like a frat party to me. Is this what you want for our kids? Is it?

From your history (at the bottom), I’m a little worried you might…

Disney, you need to take a good, hard look in the mirror. Consider the impact your movies have on children, as that is their primary target, and perhaps start making some movies where the women have goals beyond finding a man. This isn’t the 1800s, women go to college and have careers, and have to struggle against a society built on misogynistic beliefs reflected in your movies. Just once, I’d like to see a movie where the princess has a healthy weight, two parents, and tells the prince that she won’t marry him because he’s an idiot and she’s decided to go to college instead. Just once.

• Hercules: has a mother and father, but must be raised on earth away from them.
• Cinderella: raised by her evil, single stepmother after her father dies.
• Snow White: raised by her evil, single aunt, the queen.
• Beauty and the Beast: Belle is raised by her single father, Maurice.
• Aladdin: Jasmine is raised by her single father, The Sultan, while Aladdin has no parents at all.
• The Little Mermaid: Ariel is raised by her single father, King Triton.
• Pocahontas: Pocahontas is raised by her single father, Chief Powhatan.
• Bambi: Bambi’s mom is shot while he’s still a fawn. He must first find, and then be raised by his single father.
• Dumbo: Dumbo is raised by his single mother in the circus.
• Alice in Wonderland: There is no mention of parents, but what appears to be a school teacher is there…
• The Lion King: Simba’s father, Mufasa, dies horrifically, scarring children forever.
• A Goofy Movie: Max is raised solely by his single father, Goofy.
• Tarzan: Tarzan’s parents are both killed and he is raised by his adoptive mother, Kala, while her spousal gorilla, Kerchak, refuses even to aknowledge Tarzan as his son. Then there’s Jane who is raised by her single father, Professor Porter.
• Princess and the Frog: Tiana’s father dies while she is young, leaving her single mother to raise her.
• Finding Nemo: Nemo is raised by his single father, Marlin, when his mother, Coral, is killed before he hatches—creating the most depressing opening to a film for children, until UP!.
• Aristocats: The three kittens, Marie, Berlioz, and Toulouse, are raised by their single mother, Duchess.
• And while Pirates of the Caribbean is not an animated film, Elizabeth Swan is also raised by her single father, Captain Swan.

 

 

Dear Posters of Politics and Religion on Facebook

Dear Posters of Politics and Religion on Facebook,

This is why I hate/love you.

Alright you silly Facebookers, listen. We get it. You have opinions, great. And you want to share those opinions, cool. But look, here’s the deal. If you’re going to post about how much you love/hate Barack Obama or why God is great/doesn’t exist, well, expect to get some shit for it. If you’re going to share YOUR opinions, others can share THEIR opinions. That’s the way it works. If you don’t like it, don’t do it. Believe it or not you actually get to make that choice all by yourself. But please keep on doing it, it gives a lot of us some great entertainment.

Honestly, I love when people post about their stances and argue for them. If they have a good argument, even if I don’t personally agree, I still respect them more, if not, well… at least they consciously have chosen to take a stance. My agreement or disagreement doesn’t matter. It doesn’t mean we can’t be friends anymore. This brings me to my first point: don’t unfriend people because of their statuses.

Posting on someone’s wall that you’re unfriending them for something they posted just makes you, the unfriender, look like an ass. Okay okay, if they posted some crazy shit about nazis or puppy killing, you definitely should feel free to unfriend them and maybe spread the word to the police, but otherwise, pipe down and get over yourself. If you really disagree with their opinions so much, how did you become friends in the first place? And if you’re really such a piece of dick that you can’t just say, well we don’t share the same opinions politically/religiously, so I hate them forever end of story, then well you’re never going to have any friends. People are who they are. No one will ever possibly share the exact same beliefs as you. It’s time you got used to it and accepted it.

Look, sharing our political and religious beliefs is a great way to learn and grow. Sure, some people take it too far. There are plenty of people out there who say Obama is the messiah, while just as many say he’s the antichrist. They’re both bat-shit-crazy. But the majority of people either agree with his policies or disagree with them. If you see a post that you disagree with, don’t immediately hold it against the person who posted it and engage in a battle of the dimwits. This brings me to my second point: Do some fucking research.

First, know where to get correct information. If you’re just looking at Huffington Post or FoxNews, you’re not going to get real information. Look at sources from both biases. Read newspapers from Europe and Canada. Dig a little. If you’re sitting there thinking, wow, that’s a lot of work, but you feel strongly enough to make a comment in opposition to the post, you’re an idiot. And lazy. Don’t be THAT GUY who argues against a post with a comment that the next twenty commenters lay down arguments refuting. Do your research, know what you’re talking about, and draft an intelligent, informed counterargument. If that sounds like too much work,then just post a silly picture of a cat eating a cheeseburger and be on your way.

What you have to realize is that when someone makes a post about something they feel strongly about, it’s not going to change their mind when you comment that they’re a dumbass. A reasoned response might actually make the original poster think for a second and maybe look at it from your angle, but for the most part, it’s like telling someone that green is actually not as good a color as blue and they’re small-minded for thinking that it could ever even compare. I think we can all agree puppies are cute and a cat can do no wrong on the internet. So if you’re looking to share opinions and don’t want to get people’s blood pressures rising, post a pic of an adorable Pomsky (husky/Pomeranian) puppy (like the one down there) and get on with your life. That’s my plan anyway.

Because dogs are better than cats. =D

The Fun, Lazy Path to Idea Generation

I know we’ve all read countless books and articles about what it means to be creative and how to achieve that “aha!” moment, but here’s another.

This one suggests that you simply walk away from your problems. I love it already.

Rather than sit and rack your brain, discuss the subject with others, and do the usual “brain turned off” activities like showering, driving, and sleeping, this article suggests leaving the subject matter entirely—just put it down and walk away.

The examples used here are more on the business side of idea generation, but any kindling of new thoughts is applicable to this process. When you have a set of refined skills, you may hit a point when coming up with ideas in which to apply those skills empties out. What do you do? Sit at your desk and contemplate the issue? No. You actually go outside, enjoy life for a bit, and reconnect with the social world. Talking with other people about their issues, watching movies, reading books, blogs, newspapers, and even sites like Reddit and Buzzfeed take your mind away from what you know and introduce a bit of flint from which to spark new ideas. It also advocates drinking as a source of mind relaxation for an inflow of new ideas. Cool, right? Meh, not really, but it’s a pretty nice alternative to thinking on a problem until your brain hurts just to go home and hope for a moment of inspiration while cleaning yourself.

To new ideas!

Dear 25, This is Why I Hate You

Dear 25,

This is why I hate you.

Twenty-five years. That’s a whole quarter of a century. One fourth of one hundred years. It’s the age the characters in Friends were when the series started in 1994; it’s two years older than my parents were when they got married; and it’s the oldest age ever used to describe a divorcee’s hot young second wife. I turned 25 this year. I don’t live in New York with five of my best friends; I’m not married nor am I seeing anyone; and not that I would, but dammit, now I’ll probably never get to be the sexy young wife of a rich old dirt bag.

25, look at you. You are mid-to-late twenties. You are the numerical age at which a person instantly can’t go out every night without seeming like a drunk. You say I should be working a 9 to 5 job and investing in a 401k, I should definitely be on dating sites, as they say, you ain’t getting any younger and next stop is 30, and friends my age are having weddings and kids and buying homes and having playdates and hosting barbecues for their neighbors. What? No. I don’t want that. But 25 says if I’m not there, I’m not doing anything with my life. 25, you fucking blow.

Why have you earned such a bad rap, 25? You seem innocent enough, hell at least you’re not 30. But it seems that society sees you as this ledge over which everyone gets shoved after college when you’re expected to start having kids and create Facebook statuses about cooking, the best schools, and saving for a home loan. Ugh what is this?! I’m 25 and still a kid all the way through. I don’t want to grow up and be responsible, that’s for old people, you know, thirty-somethings. Life is about having fun and experiencing everything there is out there to be experienced, whether it’s fun, beautiful, stupid, or boring. If you give in to 25, you’re succumbing to the mind-numbing routine of wake, work, home; wedding, kids, suburbs; kill, me, now.

Wake up 25-year-olds. Newsflash, you probably don’t even really know what you want in life at this age. There’s a reason men go through their mid-life crises, buy sports cars when they start losing their hair, and divorce and remarry and divorce and play the single life at 50, while women fill their faces with poison, redecorate the house, and do the tennis instructor. These guys turned 25 and said, well guess I better settle down. I mean, I’m not really ready to and don’t really want to, but hell, I’m supposed to be responsible and make my parents proud, right? Ew. This isn’t the 19^th century where everyone dies at 30 so girls and boys pair up at 18 and start popping out children to run the family farm. We’re living longer and healthier than ever. Women are freezing their eggs, people aren’t retiring until their seventies, and the elderly have the online dating site, Our Time! 25 is young, y’all!

Okay, 25, you do have some redeemable qualities. You’re not the absolute worst. At least you’re an age at which you can feel independent and live alone, but still piggyback off your parents’ phone plan. You can knowledgeably argue about politics and social issues with other adults and feel totally justified if they don’t see your point because you’re still young enough to think you’re always right. If you and your 25 year-old friends get drunk and pass out on the sidewalk while walking home from the bars, you probably won’t be mistaken for a pack of drunk homeless people. Probably. These are some serious merits. I’m not saying they make up for everything, but they’re helping your case, 25.

The funny thing about 25 is that’s it’s one of those ages we never think we’ll get to. Not that we think we’re going to die before we reach it, but it’s just too old and too far away, even at 21, to think about being. The next one for me is 29, then 33, 35, and everything after that until 81. I don’t know what it is about 81, but I’m pretty sure I’ll be that age at some point…maybe in like 56 years or so. But 25. 25, you’re just a little awkward. You think you’re older than you are, but you also want to be younger than you are, and you definitely don’t want to be where you are, so you just kinda sit there twiddling your thumbs while waiting for 26 to come along and cement reality. I guess I don’t totally hate you, 25. You’ve actually been pretty good to me so far. But look, can you do me a huge favor? I promise I’ll think you’re the best thing ever if you do me this solid. Could you just have a little chat with 30 and tell that bitch to beat it the fuck out of here? Thanks, 25, you’re the best. I’ll love you forever.